A dear friend of mine asked me recently how my adjustment to life here in Africa is going, and how I have been doing emotionally. This is my response, and I thought I'd share it with you so you can get to know me a little better - ugly underbelly and all!
So how am I doing emotionally? It's been a roller coaster the last two weeks. The adjustment to my new position and home has gone fairly well, but I have dealt with some spiritual warfare the last two weeks. I don't know if it's because I am missing Andrew and my friends and family, or if it's because I am immersed in the lives and stories of the children here, but I have been really struggling with regret and sadness about how I failed my children when they were growing up because I was so preoccupied with my own struggles in a very unhappy marriage and the tyranny of constant financial problems that were due to my husband's mismanagement of our money, and lack of a decent work ethic. l came across some things when I was packing that triggered some difficult memories from those years, and it really hit me one morning here - and I just sobbed in the shower when I was getting ready one morning, with the realization of how much I must have hurt my boys. I have written my middle son, Daniel, about it, since the triggering memory involved him, and asked his forgiveness and help to relinquish this hurt. He did not remember the situation the same way that I did, and said that it wasn't the hurtful thing that I feared it was for him - that made me realize that this has been an attempt by the enemy to accuse and defeat me, and to try to make me ineffective in my ability to reach out to others here because I am so wrapped up in my own stuff. The last two Sundays, God has used His Word from Is. 43, and Colossians 2 to remind me that He has nailed my sin and shame to His cross, and I can find freedom from them because of what He has done for me - and wants for me - His "new thing".
Now, I know this sounds simple, and has been something that I have known in my head, but to really appropriate in my life and heart is a process that I have really only begun to scratch the surface of. I think that God gave me a real sense of His liberation from some of these things yesterday through the sermon, and I have had His peace since. There is just something about being here and involved in ministry that makes one vulnerable emotionally, I think. And, if I wasn't convinced that one's own emotional health is so important to safeguard and make sure that God has complete control of my memories and my past before, I am now. And, to realize that Satan, like a prowling lion, is just waiting for me to let my guard down spiritually and emotionally, so he can wreak havoc in my heart and mind - drives me to my knees in utter dependence on God's grace, and in letting His Word saturate my mind and heart more and more. No more coasting along on devotionals to give me my spiritual vitamins for the day - I need to be in His Word, putting on His armor, if I am going to engage in this warfare. I'm sure this is a lesson I will keep needing to learn again and again - I'm a bit dense that way! I am so grateful that God is a loving and patient Father!
So, while I am taking an emotional risk here that you may be disillusioned with me, I hope it helps you understand that missionaries are not "super saints" - we - and I use the word "we" lightly, since I hardly qualify as being a missionary with only 5 weeks of full-time service under my belt! - are just as human as anyone else, with the same struggles, weaknesses, and heartaches as the next person! We - I - need your prayers and your encouragement so much as we are on the "front lines" in spiritual battle. Whenever we try to do anything for God, we can expect the enemy of our souls to be threatened, and to fight back! He knows where I am weakest, and how to "go for the jugular" to defeat me.
Please pray for me that I will fortify myself with the spiritual armor of Ephesians 6 so that I can be what God has purposed for me to be, and not be swallowed up in my own stuff that can sideline me so easily - that I will put off the things that so easily distract me, and will keep my eyes on Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith!
With love and gratitude -
Nancy
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