So, I have been thinking some more about the whole transparency thing - being willing to be vulnerable emotionally and spiritually with my fellow believers, and unbelievers alike, for that matter! - and have come to the conclusion that, while it may be difficult to do, it is critically important in the Body of Christ. Now, I know that this is not a new concept, and most of us would agree that being authentic with each other is an emotionally healthy thing to do. So, my questions are: why is it so hard to do - and why don't we do it more in the Body of Christ? And, an even deeper question I have, in light of my desire to know and practice transparency and authenticity in my emotional and spiritual lives: what is my real motivation for doing so - and for serving in full-time Christian ministry in the first place?
To tackle the first set of questions, the only thing I can come up with is that it is hard on us to take the risk of being viewed as less than perfect. Especially in the Body of Christ, to admit weakness or sin is to risk being thought of as less spiritual - to slip a little in the whole spiritual hierarchy thing that is an unspoken, but very crippling, reality in the Church. If we can't let others see our struggles, we prevent others from being able to see how God's strength can be made perfect in our weakness. To present a dynamic, maturing spiritual growth process to our fellow believers, and to unbelievers whose main criticism of the Church is that it is filled with hypocrites, is our privilege and responsibility! But, we just have such a hard time doing it! How much I rob myself, and others, of the blessing of being known, and loved unconditionally by being unwilling to be transparent! No wonder God hates the sin of pride the most - one of the reasons, I suspect, is that it keeps us from experiencing Him, His love and His grace, to the fullest extent, and it prevents the Body of Christ from knowing and extending Agape love to each other, and to the world.
The second set of questions is a little more difficult. If I am unflinchingly honest with myself, I have to admit that sharing my struggles is motivated by a need for comfort and validation, (not that those things are necessarily bad - I do realize that it's okay to admit that I need comfort and validation!) But, my motives are not always based on the more nobler intent to encourage others in their spiritual journeys, and to encourage their spiritual growth. In fact, I wonder if some of my motivation to serve in Christian ministry may be for my own glory - to be thought of as spiritually mature, self-sacrificing, and noble. In addition, how much of it is motivated by my own need to be loved and admired? It is not hard to be loved by children who desperately need a mother figure here in the childrens' homes, or by people who see me as the hero when I help them medically. How much will I find my heart's desire fulfilled in ministry if - or when - I face rejection, or if my intentions are misunderstood or even discredited? In essence, what I am doing this for - my glory, or God's?!
Oswald Chambers talks about this very issue in Christian service in his devotionals - that many workers burn out and give up because their motivations are based on self-fulfillment and gratification, instead of a sincere desire to preach Christ and Christ alone - to see Him glorified and to make Him known - regardless of the visible outcome. How much I have to learn! And, how much I need your prayers as I learn these lessons! Thank you for your patience with me, and for your prayers for me!
While you are praying, would you please add one more request to your list? There is a lady in our Baraka women's group who has been struggling with infertility for six years. She recently had some tests done which show some adhesions and inflammation in one of her Fallopian tubes. I am hoping that she and her husband will consent to coming with me this Thursday to a hospital in Kijabe so that she can consult with some physicians there who are very well-known and respected for financial and professional integrity. I and a few others are taking another person to this hospital in Kijabe, and it would be a great blessing to be able to take this lady with us, as well. So, if you would please pray that she will come, and that a good plan of care will be decided for her that she can afford, and that it will enable her to get the treatment she needs so that she can finally have a baby, I would be so grateful to you. May God be glorified in all!
With my love and gratitude always -
Nancy
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