A few days ago, one of the ladies in the Baraka women's group came to see me in the clinic. She had an eye injury, for which there was really nothing I could do, but when I asked her how it happened, her visit took on a whole different purpose other than medical care.
The woman, I will call her Grace, to protect her privacy, told me that she is a widow whose husband died from HIV/AIDS. Grace, as well as one of her three children, are also HIV positive. In Grace's tribe, when a woman's husband dies, she has the option to be "inherited" by her husbands' family. This means that her husband's family can choose her next husband, and basically control her life - as well as her children's lives. In fact, in her culture, the children belong to the father, not the mother. In some situations, the woman essentially becomes the slave of her mother-in-law and her family.
Grace told me that she received the eye injury in an altercation with her husband's family. The family has been trying to coerce her to do some things that she does not want to do, and have actually kidnapped her son in order to persuade her to participate with their requests. Grace has refused their requests, and has chosen not to be "inherited" by her husband's family - both unpopular and untraditional behaviors. She feels trapped in this situation, and although she has tried to find help to get her son back by talking to the village chief, has not been able to resolve the situation. Grace feels that the chief is against her, as well as her husband's family, and feels very powerless and hopeless.
Of course, as I listened to Grace relay her story to me, I thought of all the ways that a woman in America could deal with a similar situation, and all the legal and social service resources that would be available to her. I was tempted to encourage her to do whatever she needs to do to get her son back, then pack her belongings and move far away from her husband's family. Simple enough, right? Unfortunately, not.
There are no such options as domestic abuse shelters or legal aid for women in Grace's village. The cultural ties of family and tribal influence are stronger than you or I can understand, and Grace will not, and in fact, cannot, successfully go against them. Grace also lacks the financial resources to obtain legal assistance, or move to a new home.
And, as much as I want to be able to help Grace, I cannot get involved in a family dispute, no matter how much I would like to. I will never understand all the cultural rules and social conventions, and could, in my western ignorance, actually make things worse for Grace by trying to give her advice. So, although it goes against my desire to do more to help her, all I can do is try to listen to her, encourage her, and pray with and for her.
This has been a good lesson for me, and has reinforced my belief that the motivation for missionary work, especially medical missionary work, must not be to fulfill my own needs for validation and self-importance, because of a misguided "savior complex", but must always consider what is best for the person or people God has called me to serve. Sadly, I think that many of us in ministry confuse these two things, and may be motivated by a need to be loved, rather than to love, and to be served, rather than to serve. We must be willing to be painfully honest with ourselves and with God, and seek His wisdom in all circumstances - to "Trust in the Lord with all our hearts, and lean not on our own understanding, but acknowledge Him in all our ways - then He will make our paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5, 6) - especially in a foreign country and culture!
I send you my love and gratitude for your prayers for me. And, to continue the celebration of Easter yesterday, will take the opportunity again to rejoice that He is risen - He is risen indeed!
Nancy
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